How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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