he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
