Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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