I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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