giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
