Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
