He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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