I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
