why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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