Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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