I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
