and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
