Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
