between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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