Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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