i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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