I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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