He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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