Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
