corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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