Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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