just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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