the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
