so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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