So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
