I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
