literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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