I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
