To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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