I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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