I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Boobs are out for the taking
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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