I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
