i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
