ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
