then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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