On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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