i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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