i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
