I just pynch a tree in the face
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
