She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
