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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
