Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
