my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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