I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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