i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
