I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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