Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
