Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
