you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
