So drunk its hurt
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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