I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
