why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
