I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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