She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
