I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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