new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
