You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
