come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
