Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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