I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
