Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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